January
30, 2013
4535 Croyden Avenue, New Orleans, LA
70131….
It’s
dark and gloomy and rainy outside. It reminded me of our last days at Croyden.
The house in Croyden was a very small house. Not tiny but certainly not built
to house 5 people. My grandmother let us stay in this house for free shortly
after my Mom lost her job. This house was the last house all five of us lived
together. I don’t remember how many happy days we had there. My parents and I
fought a lot. My sister was still so young, she was 12. Thank God for her
friend Jamie and Alice Hart School. My brother and I stayed busy working and
hanging out with the same group of friends. Our weekends were always spent
together and we always had fun.
Today
though, my memory of that house touches a part of my heart and it hurts. I left
this house at 19 to move in with Jeff. I didn't tell my parents. I just took
the opportunity to leave when my Dad and my sister went around the block to buy
bread. I can still see my brother standing by the door way as we drove away. He
knew I was leaving. He was very sad, I could tell. I didn't know what I was
thinking that day but I was so insistent on leaving.
As
I looked outside my window today, the view of the sky reminded me of that day
and I just felt extremely sad. I felt a twinge in my heart that I shouldn't feel – after all, its been 28 years. But it just made me realize the pain I
caused my family. I know for some this might not be a big deal. I was a
teenager wanting to escape and wanting to spread my wings. But I know I went
about it the wrong way. I was a big sister to two siblings and I wasn't such a great example to them. I wish I could have
done more. I wish I could have been a good example to them both. When I
remember the look on my brother’s face standing by the door and remembering my
sisters letters pleading that I come home, its heartbreaking. We’re all still
very close today but there are days like this. When it’s gloomy outside and all
I could think about are the days so many years ago.
I’d
like to think that I have done a lot of good since then, but I can’t let this
go. I've done so many things that I wish I could change. I seem to not have
done more than what I could have. I want to do that now. For my family. I want
to be able to help them as much as I can without sacrificing my boys.
I
want my heart to heal.
